i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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