So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
