After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
