I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
