You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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