where am i from again
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
