i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
