Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
