I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
There's always time for handjobs
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
