we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
