u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
