I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
