Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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