he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
