Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
