Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
