You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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