On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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