shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
