Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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