Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
