Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
