Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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