he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
