I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
