3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
