She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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