someone threw a dead crab at me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
