i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
