I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I had to cum in my sink.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
