it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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