Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
