im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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