i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
