was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
