We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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