I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
