I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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