Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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