I smell stomach acid.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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