he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
