I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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