What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
