i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
