After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
