just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
