I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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