Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
