Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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