Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
