You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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