The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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