Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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