either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
