Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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