Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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